Ewoks Are The Most Tactically Advanced Fighting Force In Star Wars
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Posted by wcw43921

The Article At WIRED

Something for the Ewok-haters to mull over.  The rest of us knew this all along.

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Posted by galen_rasputin

Nah, it's just that the Empire's weapons are made by the most corrupt low bidder. It's why the AT-ST armor was so thin a pair of logs could squish it like a paper cup. Why the Storm Trooper armor can't even stop a rock and the blasters can't hit the broad side of a barn. It's why the speeders have no seat belts and explode when they run into anything. It's why Tie Fighters have no shields and Star Destroyers have no redundent deflector shields. It's why there are no safety rails and the Death Star, and they can be destroyed with a single hit from a missile.

The only thing the Empire ever had going for it was a couple of Sith Lords and numbers.

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Posted by brotherbock galen_rasputin

galen_rasputin wrote:
Nah, it's just that the Empire's weapons are made by the most corrupt low bidder. It's why the AT-ST armor was so thin a pair of logs could squish it like a paper cup. Why the Storm Trooper armor can't even stop a rock and the blasters can't hit the broad side of a barn. It's why the speeders have no seat belts and explode when they run into anything. It's why Tie Fighters have no shields and Star Destroyers have no redundent deflector shields. It's why there are no safety rails and the Death Star, and they can be destroyed with a single hit from a missile.
The only thing the Empire ever had going for it was a couple of Sith Lords and numbers.

In defense of the mighty Empire...

Motorcycles and bicycles have no seatbelts...nor would I want one on my bicycle.

And, speaking from working for an arborist years ago...trees are really heavy. Those logs that squished the ATST were several tons each, and that's if they were soft wood. Haul them up into a tree and get momentum behind them, and something as small as an ATST is going to have problems, even with thick, high-quality Made In The Empire armor plating.

It's true that the lack of safety rails is a purely budgetary matter, however. That and our general lack of value inherent in our staff, combined with the ease of replacement. And that we executed the entire staff of OSHA.

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Posted by aldctjoc

I blame it on that darked robe bastard threatening everybody. Wheezy kept on telling The Boss that the Emperor was pushing for an accelerated timeline, so Boss kept on cutting corners. Hard to build right when the goalposts keep moving on ya! 

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Posted by toxic_rat aldctjoc

aldctjoc wrote:
I blame it on that darked robe bastard threatening everybody. Wheezy kept on telling The Boss that the Emperor was pushing for an accelerated timeline, so Boss kept on cutting corners. Hard to build right when the goalposts keep moving on ya! 

So now I imagine someone taping a paper sign to Vader's cape with "Wheezy" scrawled on it.

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Posted by brotherbock aldctjoc

aldctjoc wrote:
I blame it on that darked robe bastard threatening everybody. Wheezy kept on telling The Boss that the Emperor was pushing for an accelerated timeline, so Boss kept on cutting corners. Hard to build right when the goalposts keep moving on ya! 

Yeah, but that's fairly common for contractors to have to deal with. They get screwed every which way, they're used to it. If Palpy dealt with his contractors and subs like a certain NYC developer-turned-politician does, there are probably thousands and thousands of plumbers and welders and electricians from the first Death Star still waiting for their checks. And after the Empire filed for Chapter 11, the 'First Order' isn't likely to be paying up any time soon.

So they move the goalposts and then never pay, which is why the contractors themselves deliver sub-par work. Sure, the 2nd DS was operational...but what about that big gaping hole on the side? "Eh, hit it with some spackle, it'll be fine."

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Posted by aldctjoc brotherbock

toxic_rat wrote:So now I imagine someone taping a paper sign to Vader's cape with "Wheezy" scrawled on it.

ROFLMAO! And next scene: Vader going all Rogue One on him and everyone else nearby. Including The Women... and The Children... and the robots, furniture, huge hi-def readout panels, etc...
brotherbock wrote:Yeah, but that's fairly common for contractors to have to deal with. They get screwed every which way, they're used to it. If Palpy dealt with his contractors and subs like a certain NYC developer-turned-politician does, there are probably thousands and thousands of plumbers and welders and electricians from the first Death Star still waiting for their checks. And after the Empire filed for Chapter 11, the 'First Order' isn't likely to be paying up any time soon.So they move the goalposts and then never pay, which is why the contractors themselves deliver sub-par work. Sure, the 2nd DS was operational...but what about that big gaping hole on the side? "Eh, hit it with some spackle, it'll be fine."
 
If *only* Palps dealt with contractors like that. Instead, His Emperorness would sic his elevator-platformed tribute to sanity on whoever complained the loudest. 

And OMG, the First (dis)Order!... Only people that deluded would look on the Palpatine/Darth Vader duo and think "Too subtle"... 

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Posted by brotherbock aldctjoc

rote:
If *only* Palps dealt with contractors like that. Instead, His Emperorness would sic his elevator-platformed tribute to sanity on whoever complained the loudest. And OMG, the First (dis)Order!... Only people that deluded would look on the Palpatine/Darth Vader duo and think "Too subtle"... 

That's indeed why the contractors are just waiting for their money--no one is going to complain. "Look, you tell that wrinkly old lightning pusher that he'll get his massive, unaccessible circles of computer panels in his precious throne room the moment I see a ten percent depo....grrrk, gllllck, gaaaaaaaaaaa!"

We're just lucky that snub-nosed fighters once again saved the day with the First Order. Their next plan was to turn the entire galaxy into a giant laser beam. (And, frankly, if I was the First Order, I don't build the giant Starkiller base and then shoot the bizarrely close core planets. I build the Starkiller base and suck the core planets' star dry, put a travel blockade in place, and then just watch the fun.)

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Posted by tinabear81

Brotherbock is a Sith Lord. Confirmed. 

 

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Posted by brotherbock tinabear81

tinabear81 wrote:
Brotherbock is a Sith Lord. Confirmed. 
 

No, no. Just a concerned Gencon attendee who, granted, will accept some limited authority over the lives of others, IF it is for the good of all. I guess. If I must.

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Posted by tinabear81

*Squints in Rebel*

You sound an awful lot like Senator Palpatine.

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Posted by brotherbock

Senator? I would never presume to think that my fellow citizens would place that kind of trust in a humble man like me. But if they did...we DO have some problems that could be dealt with. Corruption. Criminality. The free press.

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Posted by squirecam brotherbock

brotherbock wrote:
Senator? I would never presume to think that my fellow citizens would place that kind of trust in a humble man like me. But if they did...we DO have some problems that could be dealt with. Corruption. Criminality. The free press.
Meesa propose that Gencon give immediately emergency powers to Brotherbock....

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Posted by brotherbock

I am grateful for the support. And it is true that we must impose law and order on the outlying hotels. We shall build a Grand Army of the Convention, and our Costroopers will bring safety and security, and espresso carts, to all reaches of the Con!

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Posted by squirecam brotherbock

brotherbock wrote:
I am grateful for the support. And it is true that we must impose law and order on the outlying hotels. We shall build a Grand Army of the Convention, and our Costroopers will bring safety and security, and espresso carts, to all reaches of the Con!

Will you bring back the stormtrooper prison?

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Posted by andrewj.rager

OK I love where this thread went. Not even a big SW fan and it had me laughing. Well done.

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Posted by brotherbock squirecam

squirecam wrote:
Will you bring back the stormtrooper prison?

All prisons will be stormtrooper prisons.

Except the ones where we imprison stormtroopers. Those will be forced labor camps guarded by Gungans.

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